Using Stress to My Advantage

     Today will be my 4th class (out of 12) in the Bariatric Options Program at Kaiser.  My 2nd class, I had already lost 2 lbs.  Last week I lost 5 lbs.  This week, who knows, but I know there is a loss. 
     I was very sick over the Memorial Day weekend, so that gave me a couple of extra pounds down.  But I have been really watching what I eat.  Every morning I start my day with a protein shake.  For lunch, depending on how I feel, I might have a sandwich, or sometimes just some cheese.  And for dinner I have been able to cut my portions back drastically.  I have also cut out all snacks and sweets. 
     I know what you are thinking... if she has that kind of willpower, why have surgery?  No, I'm not that amazing... I am just using stress to my advantage.  When I have a high amount of stress in my life, I normally have one of two reactions.  I either want to eat everything in sight, or I don't want to eat at all. 
     Right now, my grandfather, who turned 90 this year, has stopped eating.  He was always an amazingly active person, and his failing is hard to watch.  It is a hard time for everyone in my family right now.  (There is a lot more to this story... more then I will go into here.)  I'm jittery, and nauseous... living out daily panic attacks.  This would fall under the "not eating" category of my stressful times. 
     Somehow I am focusing all of this anxious feeling, and using it to help me instead of harm me.  I am keeping extremely focused on my goals.  I want to lose weight before surgery.  I want to show that I am a prime patient.  By reading daily, and watching my "You Tube Family", I am keeping my mind focused on what will happen after surgery.  It's a strange feeling in my stomach... almost like I have phantom surgery sensations.  I use that sick feeling that I have all of the time to mimic a "full pouch".  It's not even close to what I will actually feel like, but for right now it is helping me lose the weight and prepare my mind.  My blood sugars have dropped very low!  I am taking a fraction of the insulin I use to take.  I am taking my daily vitamins. 
     The only goal that I am not able to focus on in my exercise.  I feel tired, and worn out.  My limbs feel shaky almost all of the time.  It makes it hard to want to get on a treadmill, and even harder to go to the gym and work out in front of others.  Don't get me wrong, I will do it.  I love exercising.  It's just that it's hard to function right now, but I keeping trying.  Exercise is a natural anti-depressant.  I know!  If I can focus and make myself eat like I am suppose to, I will exercise as well.  It's just much harder. 
     I have been watching a lot of You Tube lately that has been talking about the hardest parts of people's struggles.  It makes me wonder if people look at me, and think I have it easy.  No, there is never an easy way through this.  Right now I am just using what I have to do what I need.  And right now my "tool" is stress.  Nothing easy about that. 
     By the time my surgery gets here, I hope that my "tool" will become excitement!  I get the same shaky, nauseous feelings from excitement as stress. (I am a strange person, I know!)  So I hope I will be able to use that much the same.  I look forward to that day.  I would much rather have something happy getting me where I need to be.