I've been working hard at keeping these blogs light hearted, but this one is not. I feel like it is worth talking about, though, because it explains my self esteem issues. I know plenty of others will understand... if not with your own stories, maybe your children or someone you know. Not the most fun of all topics, but I guess it's best to get it out.
When I was very young, in kindergarten, I was a normal thin girl. I can't really tell you when I started gaining, because it never dawned on me, but the kids at my school sure noticed! I was always the VERY shy girl... never went out of my way to talk to people, but I was a super devoted friend. I was always the one in the background. In 4th grade we watched a assembly about how to treat others, and they said that if a new kid came to school you should go up and say hello because they needed to feel like they fit in. Soon after, we had a new student, so I did exactly what they said to, even though I was so nervous I felt sick to my stomach! She was happy that I did, and we became fast friends.
Like I said, I was a very dedicated friend, so when this girl started making all sorts of new friends I just stayed by her side and followed her lead. Soon she was friends with the more "popular" girls, but I sat quietly by her side. She soon found that I didn't fit in with the rest of them, and told me to leave, which I did. I sat next to a small building by myself. Then those girls made her cry, and I went and comforted her, and she accepted me back. On and on it went. I was too large and not pretty enough to be seen with her, and yet I was the one person who was always there for her. She kept me around... the "fat" friend to make her look even prettier by comparison. The class sizes were small, and there were different "tracks" of classes, so it was not easy to make friends in other classes. This girl, and the group that she hung out with, were all I had.
I really didn't see myself as being "fat"... I was larger then the other girls, sure! But not THAT big. But one day I was told a story that would change the way I saw myself for the rest of my life. This was a "dream" that one of the popular girls supposedly had. I doubt that. It was told to me by my "best friend". Why a friend would ever share this is something I never understood, but kids are so cruel. (This is why I get so protective over my kids!)
The "dream" goes like this... all of the girls were out on a date with the coolest boys in the school. Each was assigned their own dream date... my date was food. Some how, the boys started acting up, and saying mean things (like they always did). I stood up, and yelled at them "Leave my friends alone!" (Yeah, see, even they knew that I was the most likely to stand up for others.) One of the boys stabbed me in the stomach with a fork, and I exploded... all of the contents of my "ample belly" spraying over the boys, and saving the day.
I can't EVER get that out of my head! What a truly horrible thing to say! They all found this story to be so hilarious! How is it that they could see I was the one that would always be there for them, and yet use me as the plot of their joke! I didn't realize until this point that people thought I was so fat. So on to my obsession with food.
Because of this, all I ever wanted was to be skinny. I did the "Deal a Meal" program with my Mom, exercised, dieted... everything. But I never did get super skinny.
Don't feel bad for me... this was all a lesson for me. Once I got out of grade school, I never had another friend use me like that. I had rough patches through middle school and high school. Met a WONDERFUL friend in 10th grade who showed me my girly side, and got me active. Met Marty in drama class and fell head over heels.... and once I met him, other's opinion of me never mattered.
There is probably much more I can tell about this story, but I am really sickened by it... let it just serve for what it is... a story of cruelty that shaped my life. Next post I promise will be back to my normal silly self!
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