Using Stress to My Advantage

     Today will be my 4th class (out of 12) in the Bariatric Options Program at Kaiser.  My 2nd class, I had already lost 2 lbs.  Last week I lost 5 lbs.  This week, who knows, but I know there is a loss. 
     I was very sick over the Memorial Day weekend, so that gave me a couple of extra pounds down.  But I have been really watching what I eat.  Every morning I start my day with a protein shake.  For lunch, depending on how I feel, I might have a sandwich, or sometimes just some cheese.  And for dinner I have been able to cut my portions back drastically.  I have also cut out all snacks and sweets. 
     I know what you are thinking... if she has that kind of willpower, why have surgery?  No, I'm not that amazing... I am just using stress to my advantage.  When I have a high amount of stress in my life, I normally have one of two reactions.  I either want to eat everything in sight, or I don't want to eat at all. 
     Right now, my grandfather, who turned 90 this year, has stopped eating.  He was always an amazingly active person, and his failing is hard to watch.  It is a hard time for everyone in my family right now.  (There is a lot more to this story... more then I will go into here.)  I'm jittery, and nauseous... living out daily panic attacks.  This would fall under the "not eating" category of my stressful times. 
     Somehow I am focusing all of this anxious feeling, and using it to help me instead of harm me.  I am keeping extremely focused on my goals.  I want to lose weight before surgery.  I want to show that I am a prime patient.  By reading daily, and watching my "You Tube Family", I am keeping my mind focused on what will happen after surgery.  It's a strange feeling in my stomach... almost like I have phantom surgery sensations.  I use that sick feeling that I have all of the time to mimic a "full pouch".  It's not even close to what I will actually feel like, but for right now it is helping me lose the weight and prepare my mind.  My blood sugars have dropped very low!  I am taking a fraction of the insulin I use to take.  I am taking my daily vitamins. 
     The only goal that I am not able to focus on in my exercise.  I feel tired, and worn out.  My limbs feel shaky almost all of the time.  It makes it hard to want to get on a treadmill, and even harder to go to the gym and work out in front of others.  Don't get me wrong, I will do it.  I love exercising.  It's just that it's hard to function right now, but I keeping trying.  Exercise is a natural anti-depressant.  I know!  If I can focus and make myself eat like I am suppose to, I will exercise as well.  It's just much harder. 
     I have been watching a lot of You Tube lately that has been talking about the hardest parts of people's struggles.  It makes me wonder if people look at me, and think I have it easy.  No, there is never an easy way through this.  Right now I am just using what I have to do what I need.  And right now my "tool" is stress.  Nothing easy about that. 
     By the time my surgery gets here, I hope that my "tool" will become excitement!  I get the same shaky, nauseous feelings from excitement as stress. (I am a strange person, I know!)  So I hope I will be able to use that much the same.  I look forward to that day.  I would much rather have something happy getting me where I need to be.

Kids are Cruel - Sad Story

     I've been working hard at keeping these blogs light hearted, but this one is not.  I feel like it is worth talking about, though, because it explains my self esteem issues.  I know plenty of others will understand... if not with your own stories, maybe your children or someone you know.  Not the most fun of all topics, but I guess it's best to get it out.
     When I was very young, in kindergarten, I was a normal thin girl.  I can't really tell you when I started gaining, because it never dawned on me, but the kids at my school sure noticed!  I was always the VERY shy girl... never went out of my way to talk to people, but I was a super devoted friend.  I was always the one in the background.  In 4th grade we watched a assembly about how to treat others, and they said that if a new kid came to school you should go up and say hello because they needed to feel like they fit in.  Soon after, we had a new student, so I did exactly what they said to, even though I was so nervous I felt sick to my stomach!  She was happy that I did, and we became fast friends. 
     Like I said, I was a very dedicated friend, so when this girl started making all sorts of new friends I just stayed by her side and followed her lead.  Soon she was friends with the more "popular" girls, but I sat quietly by her side.  She soon found that I didn't fit in with the rest of them, and told me to leave, which I did.  I sat next to a small building by myself.  Then those girls made her cry, and I went and comforted her, and she accepted me back.  On and on it went.  I was too large and not pretty enough to be seen with her, and yet I was the one person who was always there for her.  She kept me around... the "fat" friend to make her look even prettier by comparison.  The class sizes were small, and there were different "tracks" of classes, so it was not easy to make friends in other classes.  This girl, and the group that she hung out with, were all I had. 
     I really didn't see myself as being "fat"... I was larger then the other girls, sure!  But not THAT big.  But one day I was told a story that would change the way I saw myself for the rest of my life.  This was a "dream" that one of the popular girls supposedly had.  I doubt that.  It was told to me by my "best friend".  Why a friend would ever share this is something I never understood, but kids are so cruel.  (This is why I get so protective over my kids!) 
     The "dream" goes like this... all of the girls were out on a date with the coolest boys in the school.  Each was assigned their own dream date... my date was food.  Some how, the boys started acting up, and saying mean things (like they always did).  I stood up, and yelled at them "Leave my friends alone!"  (Yeah, see, even they knew that I was the most likely to stand up for others.)  One of the boys stabbed me in the stomach with a fork, and I exploded... all of the contents of my "ample belly" spraying over the boys, and saving the day.
     I can't EVER get that out of my head!  What a truly horrible thing to say!  They all found this story to be so hilarious!  How is it that they could see I was the one that would always be there for them, and yet use me as the plot of their joke!  I didn't realize until this point that people thought I was so fat.  So on to my obsession with food.
     Because of this, all I ever wanted was to be skinny.  I did the "Deal a Meal" program with my Mom, exercised, dieted... everything.  But I never did get super skinny.
     Don't feel bad for me... this was all a lesson for me.  Once I got out of grade school, I never had another friend use me like that.  I had rough patches through middle school and high school.  Met a WONDERFUL friend in 10th grade who showed me my girly side, and got me active.  Met Marty in drama class and fell head over heels.... and once I met him, other's opinion of me never mattered. 
     There is probably much more I can tell about this story, but I am really sickened by it... let it just serve for what it is... a story of cruelty that shaped my life.  Next post I promise will be back to my normal silly self!