Sunday, November 6, 2011
New contest from one of my favorite bloggers!
Do you know Eggface??? Of course you do.... wait? WHAT??? Did I hear someone say no??? Have you been living under a rock??? Well, if you have never been there... GO! GO NOW!!! If you have been there before, you know how wonderful her recipes and giveaways are! Well, she has a new recipe up for "Shelly's CLICK'n Butterscotch Budino"! If you have never experienced CLICK... again... where have you been??? Well, here is your chance to try it, for free! She is having a super cool contest, and all you have to do is go to her site http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/ to read the instructions to enter! Well, you don't HAVE to enter... I plan on winning anyhow! But, if you must.... go! Experience the genius that is "Eggface"! You can thank me later! :)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Truth of Why I am Fat
Reading "Eat It Up!" by Connie Stapleton. In the second chapter, she asks what id the truth to why you are obese. I want to take the time to write this down so I never forget where I came from. My story is not sad! It's just the truth!
I was a little chunky as long as I can remember. I have seen pictures of myself in kindergarten, and I was not overweight, but through much of my grade school years I was teased for being overweight. I was never obese as a child, but never skinny. Not being as thin as my friends made me stick out like a sore thumb. Being teased did nothing to make me lose weight! I don't remember "taking comfort in food". Maybe I did....? I honestly just don't remember. That was a uncomfortable time in my life, and over time I have forgotten details! I just know that I came from a family that enjoyed food! Nothing more then that!
My mother was overweight, and she went through many different diets. Having been teased so much, she ofter took me along to her meetings. I remember going to Weight Watcher meetings. I don't remember anything about it other that getting to sample healthy foods! (If that isn't the fat girl answer!) I remember losts of diets. Then, as I hit Jr. High, she started TOPS, and I was allowed to attend as well. I was there with another girl who was a few years older, and I was happy there! It was fun to compete in contests to see how much you could lose! Getting charms! Being social! Going to big regional meetings! Those were good times!
I had a close knit group of friends in Jr. High. I had never been super girly, or wore make-up. Some girls did a "make over" on me, and I felt good. But I still only wore jeans and tee shirts! I was into heavy metal music, and that was my life! Going into high school, all I cared about was patches on my denim jacket, and my torn jeans and rock and roll tees! I dressed very tomboy! I just never thought about it, and never thought of my weight!
In my Junior year I was re-acquainted with an old friend from grade school. She showed me how much fun it was to be a girl! We became best friends, and it became her goal to make me feel feminine! She told me to wear a dress to school.... but I didn't have one! A skirt? Anything? No, nothing. So I wore a pair of black jeans, a lacy top, and a black blazer. Not very feminine! But I was learning! We would walk for miles, do stuff! I started losing weight, and getting attention from boys... and it felt amazing!
Finally, during my Sophomore year, I got my first boyfriend!!! I was over the top excited! I couldn't eat! I was just too excited! It wasn't unhealthy... I just didn't care about food in the same way! A few bites was plenty on my tummy while it was flip flopping over my boyfriend! I would hint for compliments... "Oh, I am so sorry I am so overweight!" His answer was "That's okay! I Like girls who are bigger!" Ummm.... not the answer I was looking for. I was feeling good about myself! I bought my first dresses, and had guys checking me out! I could hear guys talking about "that girl's legs". I had NEVER had this in my life!!!
I broke up with my boyfriend... well, no, my parents broke up with my boyfriend for me! (Yeah, I know!) And I quickly started dating a man that was much older. I was 16, he was almost 21, and I was "a bit old for him". YIKES! Not a good time in my life, but once again, the tummy was fluttering too much for big meals! But I knew who I was meant to be with. As soon as he broke up with me, his "best friend" asked me out! Life was PERFECT!
I was Marty's first girlfriend! He thought I was beautiful, and told me so all the time! The flutters were going CRAZY!!! He loved to hike, and we were in the mountains whenever we had time! Rock climbing, hunting in the desert... we were always doing something! We went to the Homecoming dance together, and for the first time ever, I was able to fit into a size 7/8 dress! I looked beautiful, and felt beautiful! And Marty became my world!
So every morning, Marty would pick me up for school and buy me doughnuts. He would take me home, and stop at Del Taco for a snack. He worked at Pizza Hut, so I would stop in to see him. But I felt comfortable, and beautiful! By Prom, I was back in a 16!!! But I never saw the weight on me!!! I had a man that loved me, and that was all that mattered! I was beautiful to him, no matter my size!!!
Soon after graduation, I got a job at Pizza Hut with him, and the rest is history! I quickly balloned up to a size 20, and it never bothered me! Had kids, lose and gain... it wasn't until I started FEELING the effects of being big that I finally cared!
That brings me to today. Been with my Marty for 18 years!!! Always knew that in his eyes I was beautiful, and so that is what matters. But now, I am tired all the time, on insulin, and not "living life to it's fullest". I don't feel beautiful anymore. I feel sad and tired. I want my life back.
Not only do I hope to find some self esteem by losing weight, and an increase in energy, but I want to be a role model for my kids. I want them to see that healthy is fun! I want to hike! I want to rock climb! I want to live!
I was a little chunky as long as I can remember. I have seen pictures of myself in kindergarten, and I was not overweight, but through much of my grade school years I was teased for being overweight. I was never obese as a child, but never skinny. Not being as thin as my friends made me stick out like a sore thumb. Being teased did nothing to make me lose weight! I don't remember "taking comfort in food". Maybe I did....? I honestly just don't remember. That was a uncomfortable time in my life, and over time I have forgotten details! I just know that I came from a family that enjoyed food! Nothing more then that!
My mother was overweight, and she went through many different diets. Having been teased so much, she ofter took me along to her meetings. I remember going to Weight Watcher meetings. I don't remember anything about it other that getting to sample healthy foods! (If that isn't the fat girl answer!) I remember losts of diets. Then, as I hit Jr. High, she started TOPS, and I was allowed to attend as well. I was there with another girl who was a few years older, and I was happy there! It was fun to compete in contests to see how much you could lose! Getting charms! Being social! Going to big regional meetings! Those were good times!
I had a close knit group of friends in Jr. High. I had never been super girly, or wore make-up. Some girls did a "make over" on me, and I felt good. But I still only wore jeans and tee shirts! I was into heavy metal music, and that was my life! Going into high school, all I cared about was patches on my denim jacket, and my torn jeans and rock and roll tees! I dressed very tomboy! I just never thought about it, and never thought of my weight!
In my Junior year I was re-acquainted with an old friend from grade school. She showed me how much fun it was to be a girl! We became best friends, and it became her goal to make me feel feminine! She told me to wear a dress to school.... but I didn't have one! A skirt? Anything? No, nothing. So I wore a pair of black jeans, a lacy top, and a black blazer. Not very feminine! But I was learning! We would walk for miles, do stuff! I started losing weight, and getting attention from boys... and it felt amazing!
Finally, during my Sophomore year, I got my first boyfriend!!! I was over the top excited! I couldn't eat! I was just too excited! It wasn't unhealthy... I just didn't care about food in the same way! A few bites was plenty on my tummy while it was flip flopping over my boyfriend! I would hint for compliments... "Oh, I am so sorry I am so overweight!" His answer was "That's okay! I Like girls who are bigger!" Ummm.... not the answer I was looking for. I was feeling good about myself! I bought my first dresses, and had guys checking me out! I could hear guys talking about "that girl's legs". I had NEVER had this in my life!!!
I broke up with my boyfriend... well, no, my parents broke up with my boyfriend for me! (Yeah, I know!) And I quickly started dating a man that was much older. I was 16, he was almost 21, and I was "a bit old for him". YIKES! Not a good time in my life, but once again, the tummy was fluttering too much for big meals! But I knew who I was meant to be with. As soon as he broke up with me, his "best friend" asked me out! Life was PERFECT!
I was Marty's first girlfriend! He thought I was beautiful, and told me so all the time! The flutters were going CRAZY!!! He loved to hike, and we were in the mountains whenever we had time! Rock climbing, hunting in the desert... we were always doing something! We went to the Homecoming dance together, and for the first time ever, I was able to fit into a size 7/8 dress! I looked beautiful, and felt beautiful! And Marty became my world!
So every morning, Marty would pick me up for school and buy me doughnuts. He would take me home, and stop at Del Taco for a snack. He worked at Pizza Hut, so I would stop in to see him. But I felt comfortable, and beautiful! By Prom, I was back in a 16!!! But I never saw the weight on me!!! I had a man that loved me, and that was all that mattered! I was beautiful to him, no matter my size!!!
Soon after graduation, I got a job at Pizza Hut with him, and the rest is history! I quickly balloned up to a size 20, and it never bothered me! Had kids, lose and gain... it wasn't until I started FEELING the effects of being big that I finally cared!
That brings me to today. Been with my Marty for 18 years!!! Always knew that in his eyes I was beautiful, and so that is what matters. But now, I am tired all the time, on insulin, and not "living life to it's fullest". I don't feel beautiful anymore. I feel sad and tired. I want my life back.
Not only do I hope to find some self esteem by losing weight, and an increase in energy, but I want to be a role model for my kids. I want them to see that healthy is fun! I want to hike! I want to rock climb! I want to live!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Using Stress to My Advantage
Today will be my 4th class (out of 12) in the Bariatric Options Program at Kaiser. My 2nd class, I had already lost 2 lbs. Last week I lost 5 lbs. This week, who knows, but I know there is a loss.
I was very sick over the Memorial Day weekend, so that gave me a couple of extra pounds down. But I have been really watching what I eat. Every morning I start my day with a protein shake. For lunch, depending on how I feel, I might have a sandwich, or sometimes just some cheese. And for dinner I have been able to cut my portions back drastically. I have also cut out all snacks and sweets.
I know what you are thinking... if she has that kind of willpower, why have surgery? No, I'm not that amazing... I am just using stress to my advantage. When I have a high amount of stress in my life, I normally have one of two reactions. I either want to eat everything in sight, or I don't want to eat at all.
Right now, my grandfather, who turned 90 this year, has stopped eating. He was always an amazingly active person, and his failing is hard to watch. It is a hard time for everyone in my family right now. (There is a lot more to this story... more then I will go into here.) I'm jittery, and nauseous... living out daily panic attacks. This would fall under the "not eating" category of my stressful times.
Somehow I am focusing all of this anxious feeling, and using it to help me instead of harm me. I am keeping extremely focused on my goals. I want to lose weight before surgery. I want to show that I am a prime patient. By reading daily, and watching my "You Tube Family", I am keeping my mind focused on what will happen after surgery. It's a strange feeling in my stomach... almost like I have phantom surgery sensations. I use that sick feeling that I have all of the time to mimic a "full pouch". It's not even close to what I will actually feel like, but for right now it is helping me lose the weight and prepare my mind. My blood sugars have dropped very low! I am taking a fraction of the insulin I use to take. I am taking my daily vitamins.
The only goal that I am not able to focus on in my exercise. I feel tired, and worn out. My limbs feel shaky almost all of the time. It makes it hard to want to get on a treadmill, and even harder to go to the gym and work out in front of others. Don't get me wrong, I will do it. I love exercising. It's just that it's hard to function right now, but I keeping trying. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant. I know! If I can focus and make myself eat like I am suppose to, I will exercise as well. It's just much harder.
I have been watching a lot of You Tube lately that has been talking about the hardest parts of people's struggles. It makes me wonder if people look at me, and think I have it easy. No, there is never an easy way through this. Right now I am just using what I have to do what I need. And right now my "tool" is stress. Nothing easy about that.
By the time my surgery gets here, I hope that my "tool" will become excitement! I get the same shaky, nauseous feelings from excitement as stress. (I am a strange person, I know!) So I hope I will be able to use that much the same. I look forward to that day. I would much rather have something happy getting me where I need to be.
I was very sick over the Memorial Day weekend, so that gave me a couple of extra pounds down. But I have been really watching what I eat. Every morning I start my day with a protein shake. For lunch, depending on how I feel, I might have a sandwich, or sometimes just some cheese. And for dinner I have been able to cut my portions back drastically. I have also cut out all snacks and sweets.
I know what you are thinking... if she has that kind of willpower, why have surgery? No, I'm not that amazing... I am just using stress to my advantage. When I have a high amount of stress in my life, I normally have one of two reactions. I either want to eat everything in sight, or I don't want to eat at all.
Right now, my grandfather, who turned 90 this year, has stopped eating. He was always an amazingly active person, and his failing is hard to watch. It is a hard time for everyone in my family right now. (There is a lot more to this story... more then I will go into here.) I'm jittery, and nauseous... living out daily panic attacks. This would fall under the "not eating" category of my stressful times.
Somehow I am focusing all of this anxious feeling, and using it to help me instead of harm me. I am keeping extremely focused on my goals. I want to lose weight before surgery. I want to show that I am a prime patient. By reading daily, and watching my "You Tube Family", I am keeping my mind focused on what will happen after surgery. It's a strange feeling in my stomach... almost like I have phantom surgery sensations. I use that sick feeling that I have all of the time to mimic a "full pouch". It's not even close to what I will actually feel like, but for right now it is helping me lose the weight and prepare my mind. My blood sugars have dropped very low! I am taking a fraction of the insulin I use to take. I am taking my daily vitamins.
The only goal that I am not able to focus on in my exercise. I feel tired, and worn out. My limbs feel shaky almost all of the time. It makes it hard to want to get on a treadmill, and even harder to go to the gym and work out in front of others. Don't get me wrong, I will do it. I love exercising. It's just that it's hard to function right now, but I keeping trying. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant. I know! If I can focus and make myself eat like I am suppose to, I will exercise as well. It's just much harder.
I have been watching a lot of You Tube lately that has been talking about the hardest parts of people's struggles. It makes me wonder if people look at me, and think I have it easy. No, there is never an easy way through this. Right now I am just using what I have to do what I need. And right now my "tool" is stress. Nothing easy about that.
By the time my surgery gets here, I hope that my "tool" will become excitement! I get the same shaky, nauseous feelings from excitement as stress. (I am a strange person, I know!) So I hope I will be able to use that much the same. I look forward to that day. I would much rather have something happy getting me where I need to be.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Kids are Cruel - Sad Story
I've been working hard at keeping these blogs light hearted, but this one is not. I feel like it is worth talking about, though, because it explains my self esteem issues. I know plenty of others will understand... if not with your own stories, maybe your children or someone you know. Not the most fun of all topics, but I guess it's best to get it out.
When I was very young, in kindergarten, I was a normal thin girl. I can't really tell you when I started gaining, because it never dawned on me, but the kids at my school sure noticed! I was always the VERY shy girl... never went out of my way to talk to people, but I was a super devoted friend. I was always the one in the background. In 4th grade we watched a assembly about how to treat others, and they said that if a new kid came to school you should go up and say hello because they needed to feel like they fit in. Soon after, we had a new student, so I did exactly what they said to, even though I was so nervous I felt sick to my stomach! She was happy that I did, and we became fast friends.
Like I said, I was a very dedicated friend, so when this girl started making all sorts of new friends I just stayed by her side and followed her lead. Soon she was friends with the more "popular" girls, but I sat quietly by her side. She soon found that I didn't fit in with the rest of them, and told me to leave, which I did. I sat next to a small building by myself. Then those girls made her cry, and I went and comforted her, and she accepted me back. On and on it went. I was too large and not pretty enough to be seen with her, and yet I was the one person who was always there for her. She kept me around... the "fat" friend to make her look even prettier by comparison. The class sizes were small, and there were different "tracks" of classes, so it was not easy to make friends in other classes. This girl, and the group that she hung out with, were all I had.
I really didn't see myself as being "fat"... I was larger then the other girls, sure! But not THAT big. But one day I was told a story that would change the way I saw myself for the rest of my life. This was a "dream" that one of the popular girls supposedly had. I doubt that. It was told to me by my "best friend". Why a friend would ever share this is something I never understood, but kids are so cruel. (This is why I get so protective over my kids!)
The "dream" goes like this... all of the girls were out on a date with the coolest boys in the school. Each was assigned their own dream date... my date was food. Some how, the boys started acting up, and saying mean things (like they always did). I stood up, and yelled at them "Leave my friends alone!" (Yeah, see, even they knew that I was the most likely to stand up for others.) One of the boys stabbed me in the stomach with a fork, and I exploded... all of the contents of my "ample belly" spraying over the boys, and saving the day.
I can't EVER get that out of my head! What a truly horrible thing to say! They all found this story to be so hilarious! How is it that they could see I was the one that would always be there for them, and yet use me as the plot of their joke! I didn't realize until this point that people thought I was so fat. So on to my obsession with food.
Because of this, all I ever wanted was to be skinny. I did the "Deal a Meal" program with my Mom, exercised, dieted... everything. But I never did get super skinny.
Don't feel bad for me... this was all a lesson for me. Once I got out of grade school, I never had another friend use me like that. I had rough patches through middle school and high school. Met a WONDERFUL friend in 10th grade who showed me my girly side, and got me active. Met Marty in drama class and fell head over heels.... and once I met him, other's opinion of me never mattered.
There is probably much more I can tell about this story, but I am really sickened by it... let it just serve for what it is... a story of cruelty that shaped my life. Next post I promise will be back to my normal silly self!
When I was very young, in kindergarten, I was a normal thin girl. I can't really tell you when I started gaining, because it never dawned on me, but the kids at my school sure noticed! I was always the VERY shy girl... never went out of my way to talk to people, but I was a super devoted friend. I was always the one in the background. In 4th grade we watched a assembly about how to treat others, and they said that if a new kid came to school you should go up and say hello because they needed to feel like they fit in. Soon after, we had a new student, so I did exactly what they said to, even though I was so nervous I felt sick to my stomach! She was happy that I did, and we became fast friends.
Like I said, I was a very dedicated friend, so when this girl started making all sorts of new friends I just stayed by her side and followed her lead. Soon she was friends with the more "popular" girls, but I sat quietly by her side. She soon found that I didn't fit in with the rest of them, and told me to leave, which I did. I sat next to a small building by myself. Then those girls made her cry, and I went and comforted her, and she accepted me back. On and on it went. I was too large and not pretty enough to be seen with her, and yet I was the one person who was always there for her. She kept me around... the "fat" friend to make her look even prettier by comparison. The class sizes were small, and there were different "tracks" of classes, so it was not easy to make friends in other classes. This girl, and the group that she hung out with, were all I had.
I really didn't see myself as being "fat"... I was larger then the other girls, sure! But not THAT big. But one day I was told a story that would change the way I saw myself for the rest of my life. This was a "dream" that one of the popular girls supposedly had. I doubt that. It was told to me by my "best friend". Why a friend would ever share this is something I never understood, but kids are so cruel. (This is why I get so protective over my kids!)
The "dream" goes like this... all of the girls were out on a date with the coolest boys in the school. Each was assigned their own dream date... my date was food. Some how, the boys started acting up, and saying mean things (like they always did). I stood up, and yelled at them "Leave my friends alone!" (Yeah, see, even they knew that I was the most likely to stand up for others.) One of the boys stabbed me in the stomach with a fork, and I exploded... all of the contents of my "ample belly" spraying over the boys, and saving the day.
I can't EVER get that out of my head! What a truly horrible thing to say! They all found this story to be so hilarious! How is it that they could see I was the one that would always be there for them, and yet use me as the plot of their joke! I didn't realize until this point that people thought I was so fat. So on to my obsession with food.
Because of this, all I ever wanted was to be skinny. I did the "Deal a Meal" program with my Mom, exercised, dieted... everything. But I never did get super skinny.
Don't feel bad for me... this was all a lesson for me. Once I got out of grade school, I never had another friend use me like that. I had rough patches through middle school and high school. Met a WONDERFUL friend in 10th grade who showed me my girly side, and got me active. Met Marty in drama class and fell head over heels.... and once I met him, other's opinion of me never mattered.
There is probably much more I can tell about this story, but I am really sickened by it... let it just serve for what it is... a story of cruelty that shaped my life. Next post I promise will be back to my normal silly self!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Extreme Makeover: Closet Edition!
I think that my closet is as anxious as I am for me to have this surgery! Trying to find something in there is like looking for buried treasure! It's always hard, never where I thought it was, and I end up finding stuff I forgot was there! When we moved into this house, my husband installed a new wire closet organizer to help me deal with all of my clothes, but there is STILL not enough room! Yes, I do love shopping for clothes, but the real problem has to do with my weight!
One of the changes my closet will see once I lose the weight is just the simple fact that my clothes will weight less! Less material, less weight, especially in my jeans! The poor rod in there now looks like my back feels! Can't wait to help it out there!
The biggest problem is my "smaller" clothes. Every time I have lost weight I have gone out and bought all new clothes to show it off! But once I gain any back, do I get rid of those clothes? Of course not!!! Are you crazy? You save them as inspiration to lose it again! "I will get back in those jeans! I must keep them to see my progress!" Yeah, right. Haven't been able to wear them for years. Or that pair, or that one. That one, over there, I only got a chance to wear once! "But I don't want to get rid of them. They remind me of happier days, and I want to see those days again." Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one that does this! I will gladly get rid of my big clothes though! "Don't want to see those days again!", but the weight has always come back, and I have to hurry to find something that will fit me again. It's funny, the games we play with our bodies, trying to get it to understand how much we want to lose weight. The sad thing is seldom, if ever, does this actually work.
So my closet is FULL of stuff I can't wear! As you venture further and further back into the dark recesses of folds of cloth, you see my "dreams". The clothing I was "meant" to wear! My inspiration to lose weight! Yeah, whatever... it turns into my nightmare! I dig to try to find something that I can wear out on a special occasion, and end up feeling depressed and angry at what I have done to myself. It has went from being my favorite thing, to something I fear. I am surprised I haven't put up "caution" tape!
Last year was a horrible one for me and my family. My dog starting having seizures. My grandparents were robbed, and lost all of their life savings. Both went through major health problems thanks to that stress. My husband was out of work through the holidays. And worst of all, my wonderful father in law lost his battle with Parkinson's. That was, of course, the hardest thing I have ever went though. There has been so many stresses, my weight has really paid the price. I went from not eating at all, to comforting myself with food, and back to starving my body. Of course, going through all of that I seldom lost weight. Even if I didn't eat, my body thought we were going through a famine, and clung to all of the extra fat cells it could! Bye bye, muscle mass! By the end of the year, I felt the worst I have ever felt in my life.
The New Year brought wishes of leaving that horrible year behind me, and starting anew. It also brought about a new idea that instead of dealing with my individual health issues, maybe the answer was losing weight. So during my first doctor's appointment of the year, I asked if I would be eligible for weight loss surgery. Surprisingly, that was all it took! A quick glance at the computer, and a few keystrokes later I was signed up to take an orientation class! And so, here we are!
So now, when I look at my closet, it is not with the same shame and depression! I know that not only will I get my chance to wear all of those "lost treasures", I will also be able to someday get rid of all of them and replace them with even tinier garments! The overall weight of my closet will go down, and those poor straining rods will be thanking me as my jeans end up weighing less and less. I have starting losing on my own little by little in anticipation of surgery, so already I am able to fit back in all of the clothes that quit fitting me because of that nightmarish year. But to be able to look at all of those clothes and think to myself, "Not only will I be able to wear ALL of this, but I will be SMALLER that this!".... it's a great feeling! Don't worry, I will post before and after pictures for you!
One of the changes my closet will see once I lose the weight is just the simple fact that my clothes will weight less! Less material, less weight, especially in my jeans! The poor rod in there now looks like my back feels! Can't wait to help it out there!
The biggest problem is my "smaller" clothes. Every time I have lost weight I have gone out and bought all new clothes to show it off! But once I gain any back, do I get rid of those clothes? Of course not!!! Are you crazy? You save them as inspiration to lose it again! "I will get back in those jeans! I must keep them to see my progress!" Yeah, right. Haven't been able to wear them for years. Or that pair, or that one. That one, over there, I only got a chance to wear once! "But I don't want to get rid of them. They remind me of happier days, and I want to see those days again." Sound familiar? I know I am not the only one that does this! I will gladly get rid of my big clothes though! "Don't want to see those days again!", but the weight has always come back, and I have to hurry to find something that will fit me again. It's funny, the games we play with our bodies, trying to get it to understand how much we want to lose weight. The sad thing is seldom, if ever, does this actually work.
So my closet is FULL of stuff I can't wear! As you venture further and further back into the dark recesses of folds of cloth, you see my "dreams". The clothing I was "meant" to wear! My inspiration to lose weight! Yeah, whatever... it turns into my nightmare! I dig to try to find something that I can wear out on a special occasion, and end up feeling depressed and angry at what I have done to myself. It has went from being my favorite thing, to something I fear. I am surprised I haven't put up "caution" tape!
Last year was a horrible one for me and my family. My dog starting having seizures. My grandparents were robbed, and lost all of their life savings. Both went through major health problems thanks to that stress. My husband was out of work through the holidays. And worst of all, my wonderful father in law lost his battle with Parkinson's. That was, of course, the hardest thing I have ever went though. There has been so many stresses, my weight has really paid the price. I went from not eating at all, to comforting myself with food, and back to starving my body. Of course, going through all of that I seldom lost weight. Even if I didn't eat, my body thought we were going through a famine, and clung to all of the extra fat cells it could! Bye bye, muscle mass! By the end of the year, I felt the worst I have ever felt in my life.
The New Year brought wishes of leaving that horrible year behind me, and starting anew. It also brought about a new idea that instead of dealing with my individual health issues, maybe the answer was losing weight. So during my first doctor's appointment of the year, I asked if I would be eligible for weight loss surgery. Surprisingly, that was all it took! A quick glance at the computer, and a few keystrokes later I was signed up to take an orientation class! And so, here we are!
So now, when I look at my closet, it is not with the same shame and depression! I know that not only will I get my chance to wear all of those "lost treasures", I will also be able to someday get rid of all of them and replace them with even tinier garments! The overall weight of my closet will go down, and those poor straining rods will be thanking me as my jeans end up weighing less and less. I have starting losing on my own little by little in anticipation of surgery, so already I am able to fit back in all of the clothes that quit fitting me because of that nightmarish year. But to be able to look at all of those clothes and think to myself, "Not only will I be able to wear ALL of this, but I will be SMALLER that this!".... it's a great feeling! Don't worry, I will post before and after pictures for you!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Oh, For The Love Of Concerts!
So, if you have read my other blogs, you know that my main reason for wanting weight loss surgery (wls) is for my health. Getting rid of diabetes is a huge deal to me. I want to be able to exercise, keep diseases at bay, and FEEL BETTER!
But now it's time for me to get a little more vain, and envision myself in my smaller (healthier) body! What will that mean to me? What will change with what I buy?
Those that know me will tell you.... I am a nerd! (And proud of it!) I love clothes that represent the entertainment that I enjoy. That part of me will NOT change after surgery. BUT... what it WILL mean is that I will be able to wear the more feminine version of the shirts I currently own! They seldom sell shirts in ladies cuts for plus sizes. So all of my shirts are mens. This has a big plus (at least in my eyes). My old shirts will not go to waste! My husband (my Wookie) loves all of the same stuff I do! He is 6'4", so 2X is perfect for him! So all I have to do is switch them to another part of the closet. Problem solved! How awesome is that?
I bet some of you are wondering what I am talking about! For the most part, CONCERTS! I LOVE going to concerts, and my favorite part is coming home with a shirt to proudly wear in hopes of making other people jealous! We have been to three Social Distortion concerts! (If you don't know who they are, well, YOU SHOULD!) All three times we have been up against the stage! I am so proud of that fact! But, unfortunately, that is one show that I have not been able to "show off". When we went to all of them, I was working so hard at losing weight, and there was no way I was walking out of there with a man's shirt. I did get an XL sweatshirt, but it ran very small and never looked very good on me. I have picked up a few shirts here and there with their band name, but all I can get is XL, and they are never very flattering. If you know the band, you know that they are very into the Bettie Page look, and so it's all about showing off the curves. While I love that idea, I have a bit more "curves" then I am willing to show! So, into a box they go, to get lost and forgotten. But no hard feelings! I will get there!
So, since then, I have learned my lesson. Don't buy things and "hope that someday" you will fit into them. So now I just go ahead and buy the big 'ole, unflattering men's shirts. It is a very sad message that entertainers send... women can only be fans if they can wear a size large, but men can be 2X! Okay, fine! I'll show off my masculine side! As long as I can show my pride in my favorite artists. I love Jack Johnson! Weird Al Yankovic! (Yes, I have very eclectic taste!) And of course I love going to comedy shows: Eddie Izzard! Family Guy Live! Have to show it off! And then there are the shirts I buy offline (love my ebay!) or in stores. My newest favorite are my True Blood shirts! So, as you see, my closet is packed with tees!
Some of these will be harder for me to replace. Maybe I'll be able to wear some to the gym or something. But I am SO looking forward to replacing what I can with new slimmer versions! I mean, come on! What gastric girl doesn't need a shirt from Eddie Izzard that says "Cake or Death?" This is going to be the perfect excuse to go back to all of my favorite shows JUST to get my feminine tops!
And don't even get me started on what shopping will be like at Disneyland! Heck yeah!!! All of those cute little tops with Pirates, or Jack Skellington! Get me Mickey, Minnie, and Tinkerbell! I don't care if they are made for teens, come on! I have been a fan of these characters and rides for WAY longer! I am a big kid at heart, what can I say?
I am sure that by the time I have lost the weight I will be ready for a little bit of "high fashion" too, but I refuse to give up some things. Clothes tell a lot about a person, and I can't wait to tell my true story!
But now it's time for me to get a little more vain, and envision myself in my smaller (healthier) body! What will that mean to me? What will change with what I buy?
Those that know me will tell you.... I am a nerd! (And proud of it!) I love clothes that represent the entertainment that I enjoy. That part of me will NOT change after surgery. BUT... what it WILL mean is that I will be able to wear the more feminine version of the shirts I currently own! They seldom sell shirts in ladies cuts for plus sizes. So all of my shirts are mens. This has a big plus (at least in my eyes). My old shirts will not go to waste! My husband (my Wookie) loves all of the same stuff I do! He is 6'4", so 2X is perfect for him! So all I have to do is switch them to another part of the closet. Problem solved! How awesome is that?
I bet some of you are wondering what I am talking about! For the most part, CONCERTS! I LOVE going to concerts, and my favorite part is coming home with a shirt to proudly wear in hopes of making other people jealous! We have been to three Social Distortion concerts! (If you don't know who they are, well, YOU SHOULD!) All three times we have been up against the stage! I am so proud of that fact! But, unfortunately, that is one show that I have not been able to "show off". When we went to all of them, I was working so hard at losing weight, and there was no way I was walking out of there with a man's shirt. I did get an XL sweatshirt, but it ran very small and never looked very good on me. I have picked up a few shirts here and there with their band name, but all I can get is XL, and they are never very flattering. If you know the band, you know that they are very into the Bettie Page look, and so it's all about showing off the curves. While I love that idea, I have a bit more "curves" then I am willing to show! So, into a box they go, to get lost and forgotten. But no hard feelings! I will get there!
So, since then, I have learned my lesson. Don't buy things and "hope that someday" you will fit into them. So now I just go ahead and buy the big 'ole, unflattering men's shirts. It is a very sad message that entertainers send... women can only be fans if they can wear a size large, but men can be 2X! Okay, fine! I'll show off my masculine side! As long as I can show my pride in my favorite artists. I love Jack Johnson! Weird Al Yankovic! (Yes, I have very eclectic taste!) And of course I love going to comedy shows: Eddie Izzard! Family Guy Live! Have to show it off! And then there are the shirts I buy offline (love my ebay!) or in stores. My newest favorite are my True Blood shirts! So, as you see, my closet is packed with tees!
Some of these will be harder for me to replace. Maybe I'll be able to wear some to the gym or something. But I am SO looking forward to replacing what I can with new slimmer versions! I mean, come on! What gastric girl doesn't need a shirt from Eddie Izzard that says "Cake or Death?" This is going to be the perfect excuse to go back to all of my favorite shows JUST to get my feminine tops!
And don't even get me started on what shopping will be like at Disneyland! Heck yeah!!! All of those cute little tops with Pirates, or Jack Skellington! Get me Mickey, Minnie, and Tinkerbell! I don't care if they are made for teens, come on! I have been a fan of these characters and rides for WAY longer! I am a big kid at heart, what can I say?
I am sure that by the time I have lost the weight I will be ready for a little bit of "high fashion" too, but I refuse to give up some things. Clothes tell a lot about a person, and I can't wait to tell my true story!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
My "Number 1 Reason"
Everyone has their own reason for wanting a surgery like this. Most of the time it has to do with feeling bad about their weight. You know, when I first started gaining bad, I would look in the mirror, and I didn't see a fat person. Over time I see it, and I don't like it. But to be honest, as long as I am healthy I could really care less. And there is the problem.... I am not healthy.
I hear a lot of people talk about why you should, or shouldn't have bariatric surgery. I read about how losing weight won't get rid of your problems, and some people find themselves MORE depressed after surgery. Knowing this, I still think this is the right decision for me. Why? Because I am not out to get skinny.... I am out to be healthy.
I view this surgery in very much the same way as I did my c-sections. I know that there will be difficult times ahead. I know that healing will take time. But the gain is way too awesome! C-section meant I had a beautiful baby. Gastric Bypass means I have a beautiful new life (and a big plus of looking great!).
My number one reason for having surgery is to get rid of the diabetes. And to try and explain how wonderful my life will be without it.... it's hard! If you've never dealt with it, or never had the same things happen to you, it is hard to understand. First, and foremost, I have to worry about what this might do to me. You all have heard stories. People lose limbs, or like my mother, can lose their sight. So many parts of your body can be affected! I have to have yearly eye and foot examines. Constant blood tests, blood pressure tests, kidney tests... what doesn't get tested? But it goes so much deeper for me personally.
When the doctor first decided that I could no longer control this on my own, I was put on Metformin (Glucophage). I hate to do this, but I will give details. Maybe it will help you to understand why I hate being diabetic! The first few doses of Metformin can cause upset stomach and diarrhea. Some people are lucky enough to not experience these side effects. Well, for every bit of luck they have, I guess that I am cursed! The first few days after starting it, I cannot leave the house. I run for the bathroom 15 times or more a day! And when I say run, I mean RUN! So that sounds like fun, right? Well, it gets even better! If I forget a pill, and I am late taking it, my whole system resets itself! That's right! A whole new game of "How Fast Can I Make It"! And let me tell you, I have a horrible memory! So I take this wonderful pill that seems to hate me, and guess what? It doesn't do much!
So the doctor says I need something else. What do I get? Insulin! Why? Why not let me try some other pills before moving to that? Because I was lucky enough to understand how to take insulin already (you cannot take oral medications while pregnant), and they feel it is easier to regulate your blood sugars with it. Bull! (But I will get into that in a minute!)
So I get the fun daily job of taking insulin. Want to hear about the fun that's involved? No? Well, I'm going to tell you anyways!
I have to prick my fingers 4 to 5 times a day to test my blood sugar. Not that big of a deal, really, but it is a fun game to play! "Wonder which finger would hurt less today?" Sometimes you think you hit the jackpot, and feel hardly any pain, only to realize that there isn't enough blood coming out to put in the tester! Awww.... try again!
Next, I have to swab alcohol on my tummy where I am going to inject the insulin. This is really the fun game! The trick to find the place where there will be minimal pain. I will poke around on my tummy until I find the spot that seems to have the least feeling. Start pushing it in... opps, that one hurt! Okay, try again! Sometimes the pain doesn't start until you start pushing the plunger, then all of the sudden it's like you are injecting liquid fire! Unless I want to pull out the whole thing and try to make a new hole, I have to just slowly keep injecting and feel the burn! Okay, it sounds worse then it really is. I know how people have a fear of needles. It's not THAT bad, but neither is it fun. It's just something you get use to I guess.
But, see, that is not even what really bothers me! My biggest complaint is that I cannot regulate my sugars at all! They may say it is easier, but that just isn't the case with me. Sure, if you ate the same thing day in and day out, it would be no problem figuring out how much insulin you need. But what if you eat less (or more), or eat earlier or later then normal?
I have the thrill of suffering from panic attacks and anxiety. One of the effects of anxiety is loss of appetite. So if I don't eat, I shouldn't have to take a shot... right? WRONG! It's a long story, but if your body doesn't get enough food it can actually RAISE you sugar! So even if you don't eat, you still have to take insulin. How much? Wish I knew! Seems like my body is always changing it's mind!
Hypoglycemia is an awful thing to experience. You feel sick, shaky, get cold sweats, dizziness, and confusion. Your whole body feels crazy! Describing it can't paint you a good picture... just know it is awful. I seem to experience this several times a week! (For awhile there, it was every day!) When it happens, you have to eat to bring it back up. Most of the time, I am so sick, I can't imagine eating anything! Fear sets in, and I normally end up eating something sweet just to get it up. Then it tastes good, and I still feel awful, so at that time my mind tells me eating more will bring it up faster. I know what I SHOULD be eating to bring it up and keep it stable, but my mind disagrees. As I said, it causes confusion... really, do you think I make wise decision while feeling like this? Nope! And there goes a viscous cycle of eating junk that is packing on the weight! THIS is what I want away from!!! Is surgery worth it? Heck yeah!
One of the side effects of gastric bypass is "dumping syndrome". If you eat foods that are high in sugars or fats, you might experience: nausea, shakes, cold sweats, dizziness, and possible diarrhea. Um, okay. And you only get it if you eat foods you shouldn't be eating, thereby helping you to make wise food choices. Sounds fair to me! It's like shock therapy! Haha!
On a serious note, many people are worried about what can happen on the operating table. I have been through 3 c-sections, and the risks were there as well. But just like then, I have to decide what is more dangerous. Then, it was dangers to myself and the baby (my first born was 11 lbs. 4 ozs.!) Now, it is what can happen to my body if I don't take care of my health. I made it through those surgeries, and I will make it through this one. I have a positive outlook! And I plan to keep it that way!
"You should try to do it on you own!" Do you think I haven't tried? Do you really think I am being "lazy"? Um, in case you didn't know this, there is nothing that will really change as far as making yourself eat healthy, and exercising. You still have to make healthy choices! You still have to work hard to get there! But this is a tool to help you achieve it. "Lazy" is just a word people throw around when they don't understand what is involved. Those people are "lazy" for ASSUMING they know what they are talking about without actually reading up on it. So there! I love to exercise, and I love healthy foods, but I have been down this path before. Those that can achieve it on your own... WOW! AWESOME! You are the bomb! Pat yourself on the back! Guess what? I will be patting myself on the back once I takes the steps I NEED to achieve my goals! It's drastic, but it's what I want. If you don't like it, well, don't do it!
Please do not think for one minute that I have not looked at this decision from every angle! I am a Libra! I have to weigh out my options... it's what I do! From the way I see it, the scales are just about balanced, and that is before throwing on there things like looking better, having more energy, having less back problems..... on and on the list can go. What do you think I am going to chose? What would you chose in my shoes? It's hard, isn't it? Well, actually, I don't think it's hard at all.
I have a super positive attitude about it. I am excited! I will be eating smaller meals.... awesome! If I eat sweets or fats I will "dump"... well, that'll teach me! I will have more energy... well, I am sure my kids will find a way to use that up!
This is going to be a whole new life, and a whole new me.
I will use this power for good, and not evil!
This is a "tool" to use in forming a new healthy Candice!
I don't know about you, but I can't wait to meet her!!!!!
I hear a lot of people talk about why you should, or shouldn't have bariatric surgery. I read about how losing weight won't get rid of your problems, and some people find themselves MORE depressed after surgery. Knowing this, I still think this is the right decision for me. Why? Because I am not out to get skinny.... I am out to be healthy.
I view this surgery in very much the same way as I did my c-sections. I know that there will be difficult times ahead. I know that healing will take time. But the gain is way too awesome! C-section meant I had a beautiful baby. Gastric Bypass means I have a beautiful new life (and a big plus of looking great!).
My number one reason for having surgery is to get rid of the diabetes. And to try and explain how wonderful my life will be without it.... it's hard! If you've never dealt with it, or never had the same things happen to you, it is hard to understand. First, and foremost, I have to worry about what this might do to me. You all have heard stories. People lose limbs, or like my mother, can lose their sight. So many parts of your body can be affected! I have to have yearly eye and foot examines. Constant blood tests, blood pressure tests, kidney tests... what doesn't get tested? But it goes so much deeper for me personally.
When the doctor first decided that I could no longer control this on my own, I was put on Metformin (Glucophage). I hate to do this, but I will give details. Maybe it will help you to understand why I hate being diabetic! The first few doses of Metformin can cause upset stomach and diarrhea. Some people are lucky enough to not experience these side effects. Well, for every bit of luck they have, I guess that I am cursed! The first few days after starting it, I cannot leave the house. I run for the bathroom 15 times or more a day! And when I say run, I mean RUN! So that sounds like fun, right? Well, it gets even better! If I forget a pill, and I am late taking it, my whole system resets itself! That's right! A whole new game of "How Fast Can I Make It"! And let me tell you, I have a horrible memory! So I take this wonderful pill that seems to hate me, and guess what? It doesn't do much!
So the doctor says I need something else. What do I get? Insulin! Why? Why not let me try some other pills before moving to that? Because I was lucky enough to understand how to take insulin already (you cannot take oral medications while pregnant), and they feel it is easier to regulate your blood sugars with it. Bull! (But I will get into that in a minute!)
So I get the fun daily job of taking insulin. Want to hear about the fun that's involved? No? Well, I'm going to tell you anyways!
I have to prick my fingers 4 to 5 times a day to test my blood sugar. Not that big of a deal, really, but it is a fun game to play! "Wonder which finger would hurt less today?" Sometimes you think you hit the jackpot, and feel hardly any pain, only to realize that there isn't enough blood coming out to put in the tester! Awww.... try again!
Next, I have to swab alcohol on my tummy where I am going to inject the insulin. This is really the fun game! The trick to find the place where there will be minimal pain. I will poke around on my tummy until I find the spot that seems to have the least feeling. Start pushing it in... opps, that one hurt! Okay, try again! Sometimes the pain doesn't start until you start pushing the plunger, then all of the sudden it's like you are injecting liquid fire! Unless I want to pull out the whole thing and try to make a new hole, I have to just slowly keep injecting and feel the burn! Okay, it sounds worse then it really is. I know how people have a fear of needles. It's not THAT bad, but neither is it fun. It's just something you get use to I guess.
But, see, that is not even what really bothers me! My biggest complaint is that I cannot regulate my sugars at all! They may say it is easier, but that just isn't the case with me. Sure, if you ate the same thing day in and day out, it would be no problem figuring out how much insulin you need. But what if you eat less (or more), or eat earlier or later then normal?
I have the thrill of suffering from panic attacks and anxiety. One of the effects of anxiety is loss of appetite. So if I don't eat, I shouldn't have to take a shot... right? WRONG! It's a long story, but if your body doesn't get enough food it can actually RAISE you sugar! So even if you don't eat, you still have to take insulin. How much? Wish I knew! Seems like my body is always changing it's mind!
Hypoglycemia is an awful thing to experience. You feel sick, shaky, get cold sweats, dizziness, and confusion. Your whole body feels crazy! Describing it can't paint you a good picture... just know it is awful. I seem to experience this several times a week! (For awhile there, it was every day!) When it happens, you have to eat to bring it back up. Most of the time, I am so sick, I can't imagine eating anything! Fear sets in, and I normally end up eating something sweet just to get it up. Then it tastes good, and I still feel awful, so at that time my mind tells me eating more will bring it up faster. I know what I SHOULD be eating to bring it up and keep it stable, but my mind disagrees. As I said, it causes confusion... really, do you think I make wise decision while feeling like this? Nope! And there goes a viscous cycle of eating junk that is packing on the weight! THIS is what I want away from!!! Is surgery worth it? Heck yeah!
One of the side effects of gastric bypass is "dumping syndrome". If you eat foods that are high in sugars or fats, you might experience: nausea, shakes, cold sweats, dizziness, and possible diarrhea. Um, okay. And you only get it if you eat foods you shouldn't be eating, thereby helping you to make wise food choices. Sounds fair to me! It's like shock therapy! Haha!
On a serious note, many people are worried about what can happen on the operating table. I have been through 3 c-sections, and the risks were there as well. But just like then, I have to decide what is more dangerous. Then, it was dangers to myself and the baby (my first born was 11 lbs. 4 ozs.!) Now, it is what can happen to my body if I don't take care of my health. I made it through those surgeries, and I will make it through this one. I have a positive outlook! And I plan to keep it that way!
"You should try to do it on you own!" Do you think I haven't tried? Do you really think I am being "lazy"? Um, in case you didn't know this, there is nothing that will really change as far as making yourself eat healthy, and exercising. You still have to make healthy choices! You still have to work hard to get there! But this is a tool to help you achieve it. "Lazy" is just a word people throw around when they don't understand what is involved. Those people are "lazy" for ASSUMING they know what they are talking about without actually reading up on it. So there! I love to exercise, and I love healthy foods, but I have been down this path before. Those that can achieve it on your own... WOW! AWESOME! You are the bomb! Pat yourself on the back! Guess what? I will be patting myself on the back once I takes the steps I NEED to achieve my goals! It's drastic, but it's what I want. If you don't like it, well, don't do it!
Please do not think for one minute that I have not looked at this decision from every angle! I am a Libra! I have to weigh out my options... it's what I do! From the way I see it, the scales are just about balanced, and that is before throwing on there things like looking better, having more energy, having less back problems..... on and on the list can go. What do you think I am going to chose? What would you chose in my shoes? It's hard, isn't it? Well, actually, I don't think it's hard at all.
I have a super positive attitude about it. I am excited! I will be eating smaller meals.... awesome! If I eat sweets or fats I will "dump"... well, that'll teach me! I will have more energy... well, I am sure my kids will find a way to use that up!
This is going to be a whole new life, and a whole new me.
I will use this power for good, and not evil!
This is a "tool" to use in forming a new healthy Candice!
I don't know about you, but I can't wait to meet her!!!!!
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